Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The Slow Reach: Crazy? Maybe, but...

WARNING: Performing The Slow Reach in the presence of characters less chivalrous than Quicksylver or HIN might actually result in you having to pay for something. Be prepared for this possibility before engaging in The Slow Reach.

My buddy Quicksylver and blogger homeimprovementninja recently revealed their frustration with women they've dated (or are still dating, HIN? Hope not!) who don't even do The Slow Reach* when the bill comes. You all know what I'm talking about. It's that move you make toward your purse or wallet when you're sure the other party is going to pick up the check. You do it even if you know with utter certainty that person is not going to let you pay.

So, you may ask, what's the point? The point, dear friends, is you are making the offer. You are letting the other party know you don't expect him (or her) to pay for everything. You're saying you're willing to pick up the check every now and then. And, perhaps more importantly, you're giving the person who is actually picking up the check the chance to puff out his (or her) chest a little for having done so.

The guys have weighed in on the subject, and they say it is not a meaningless gesture.

Over a few games of pool** Friday night, Quicksylver and I discussed Go-Go Girl and The Penny Pincher, which brought us to the matter of a girl Quick dated for about three months last year. He says the girl never did one Slow Reach the entire time the two dated. After a while, this brought about resentment on his end and played a role in their split.

Of course, he said, he wouldn't have let her pay for any of the stuff anyway. He just wanted to get the offer so he could tell her no and feel more manly (or something along those lines). HIN expressed a similar sentiment in his comment on The Penny Pincher.

The desire to see The Slow Reach poses a conundrum for these guys. They can't go asking their dates to offer to pay for the check if they're just going to turn around and decline to let them do any such thing. The whole thing might sound a little crazy (and it might actually be a little crazy), but I'm siding with the guys on this one.

I have a few reasons for advocating The Slow Reach.

1. These days, assuming a guy will pay for everything makes the woman with him look like a gold digger or a wannabe princess. These things just aren't attractive.

2. If the guy actually
is paying for everything, the least his lady can do is let him have the bonus of being able to tell her he's got it. (You should always thank him, too, but that doesn't provide the same ego boost.)

3. Having a penis no longer means you're the only breadwinner in a relationship. (I'm sure there are situations in which it makes sense for the guy to always pay, but I'm not going to hurt my head trying to come up with valid scenarios.) For most of us, assuming the guy will always pay for things is just holding onto an antiquated idea of how life does or should work. Sure (some) women like to be treated and (some) men like the feeling of having treated a woman, but that doesn't mean we should take for granted that a given situation will play that way.

4. Most females have 76 flavors of crazy for every new day.*** The guys in our lives have to put up with our nonsense and humor us at every turn. Even if the logic is loopy and you don't understand why they want to see it, The Slow Reach is the very least we can do in return for them sticking it out through all our insanity.

*
Quicksylver gets credit for the phrase.
**
"A few" meaning eight. Seven of which were counted in Belle's favor. Sorry, Quick. ;-)
*** I feel I can say this with authority because I am female and because I've witnessed enough females to know we're all somewhat "off."

13 comments:

Journalism 540 said...

Hmm... indeed. Steve and I typically take turns paying. It's not a planned thing--we're just thoughtful people. In fact, I've already noted in my mind that he's paid for me a couple of times in a row. Luckily, I bought some comedy show tickets (great seats, too--not cheap) for this Friday and I intend to treat him to dinner as well. I'll also make breakfast the following morning.

I feel like doing something else, too, just in case he's not hungry after the show. Ideas would be appreciated. :)

LMNt said...

A.

Friggin.

Men.

Anonymous said...

I guess that I should clarify:
1.I dont want 'the slow reach' to puff my ego.
2. i have been known from time to time, to peform an even slower reach for the wallet - including pats in pockets where my wallet would never be :-D

I think that in our equalized world, women are mostly as empowered as I am. I think it is either the height of conceit for a woman whom i am dating to expect me to give financially, everytime we meet. I think that the vast majority of the time, the guy should pay, but when it becomes a 'duty' I rebel a little.

The last woman to have gotten away w/ not paying, lasted *2* months. But in my defense, she was gorgeous! :)

Anonymous said...

The two times that a woman should pay, IMO:
1. After seeing each other for a while - when she makes a date, she should be ready to pay.

2. When she makes significantly more than I do...a neurosurgeon i dated once would not let me pay, it was the closest I have come to being a Kept Man *sigh*

Belle said...

Rima: Steve? Steve? Who is this person? I've not been kept up to date! :)

Quick: "But in my defense, she was gorgeous!"

UGH.

1. You didn't mention this.
2. Even if you had, I wouldn't find it an acceptable defense.
3. You're the one who kept going back and forth on the length of the relationship. Can't handle your Tom Collins, eh? :-p

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Okay, this was a good one. But I think it's more about manners than puffing your chest out.

To me, it's like holding the door open. She (probably) knows that anyone who isn't a jackhole-raised-in-a-barn will hold the door open for her, but she's "thank you" anyway. She says thanks because you, theoretically, didn't have to hold the door open. You did something nice for her that you wouldn't do for others. She should show some manners and go for the slow reach, so I can say "no, I got it." If she doesn't go for the slow reach, then it's assumed that I'm supposed to pay everytime and the act has less significance than holding the door open (which gets a thank you).

And yes, we broke up. I'm single and dating again.

Journalism 540 said...

Steve is the fellow I've been dating since about the beginning of the year. :) He's a nice lad. Very different from the last boyfriend of mine you met. :)

We're flying to Oxford in late May, if there's a chance of your being around.

Carrie M said...

I agree with you - I ALWAYS offer to pay, I never assume unless I've been told beforehand that it was his treat or something. I just think it's the nice thing to do, and if it gives an ego boost in the process, even better.

My only quandary is the whole 'she should pay if she makes the date'. Well, what constitutes making the date? If I ask do you want to do something this weekend and then there's a collaborative discussion about what we're going to, did I make the date?

btw - I LOVE your graphics for your posts. How do you do it?

Pissed Off said...

When I was with Middle School Midget I found myself paying way more than he did. I knew he paid when he could, but seeing as I was the one with a consistent job, I didn't mind it. It did get rather old at the end of the relationship. After we brok up, I bought a new pair of shoes every week and still saved more money than paying for his dumb ass.

Belle said...

HIN: It definitely is about manners and giving your kind act some recognition. And way to go you for being on the market again.

Rima: So glad to hear you've got yourself a nice fella. Don't think I'll be 'round then, but you're always welcome to come visit this way!

Carrie: I'm totally there on offering unless otherwise specified. As for the who made the plans deal, I have no freakin' clue. Guys, want to weigh in??

The graphics are from www.explodingdog.com. I can't take any credit whatsoever, but you should definitely go check the site out. :)

Pissed: Good riddance to MSM. Shoes are way better than deadbeat boyfriends!

SimplEnigma said...

I never do the Slow Reach...if I'm reaching for the bill, it's because I intend to pay it. If I have no intention of paying, then I don't reach just for show...too much work and effort.

Belle said...

Simple: I suppose we'll agree to disagree on this one, then. :)

Anonymous said...

Carrie:
I think that naming a place and/or time = making the date.
If invite my gf or female friend to something, regardless what it is, - I fully expect (nah, insist) on paying.

I love to share moments with people i like and respect; I assume that the feeling is mutual. There is no calculus that determines who pays, infact it should be the furthest thing from ones mind. Avoidance, brings the matter into soft focus - and for me, when petty things like money begin to intrude on basking in good company, it is time to head for the exits.


Simple:
I dont see a problem with your take, it makes sense. Similar to saying please and thank you...i think the slow reach is simply, dating ettiqute. Just as you dont say 'please' with every request - reaching shouldnt be automatic or reflexive.

Belle:
alcohol did not affect my self-centered rambles, you were just nervous about pool and did not pay attention. ;-)
it is a shame, that my skills leave a lot to be desired.