The Dissimulator, Part One: An Introduction

When I struck out for my freshman year of college, I knew exactly one person who would attend the same university. Being that (1) he was male, (2) freshmen were required to live in dorms, and (3) we went to school in the Bible Belt, there wasn't an option of making a go as roomies our first year.

My former boss and self-described Adoptive Mom* made the trek with me from the Southern Homestead to The Black Hole. We spent much of the six-hour ride guessing what my roommate would be like based on the only bit of personal information I'd been given, her name.

We came up with a ton of life stories for the girl (most of them clichés, I admit). One minute she was pearl-wearing Daddy’s girl who would remain sweet and charming until exactly the moment her parents' taillights disappeared, then morph into a slutty, alcoholic bitch. The next she was a recluse who never uttered more than a few monosyllables and listened to nothing but death metal and polka. She had a Mohawk, tons of piercings, and tattoos. She was a suck-up who would follow me around campus and offer to write all my papers. She already had two kids and was going to try to keep them in the dorm with us. She only ate garlic and raw onions. She was a bully and a thief. She insisted on wearing only pink and decorating everything with sequins and glitter.

Naïve Nancy turned out to be none of those things, thankfully. As people go, she was pretty decent, if a little annoying and somewhat dense at times. Her judgment needed a bit of honing, but whose doesn't at 18? Mine certainly did (and, arguably, still does). I can't say we immediately hit it off, but we did become pretty good friends fairly quickly.

But this story isn't completely about Naïve Nancy. It's mainly about her lovely boyfriend, The Dissimulator.**

First, a little back story:*** Naïve Nancy met The Dissimulator the summer before she left for school. Her parents, feeling that she wasn't ready to leave home,**** didn't support her desire to attend our fine, fine university. They would have preferred that she live at home and attend a community college.

Naïve Nancy’s BFF at the time, Sickly Sugar, convinced Naïve Nancy she had to come with her. Then she made it her mission to convince The Dissimulator he had to help Naïve Nancy with tuition and books and furnishing and stocking her dorm room, etc. and whatnot. The Dissimulator agreed to do those things.

At the time, he and Naïve Nancy were not actually dating. Sometime during the three-hour drive from their town to our dorm, he'd pretty much changed their status from "up-the-air" to "exclusive." (Really, it was more like "haven't yet kissed" to "gettin' laid tonight!" I suppose throwing down a lot of cash can do that for some people.)

Enter Belle: The Dissimulator was a charismatic guy. We became friends more easily than Naïve Nancy and I formed any kind of bond. It wasn't too long before Sickly Sugar found the walk from her dorm to ours too much effort, and their friendship was downgraded, which gave the friendship between Nancy and me just the kick in the ass it needed to blossom.

The Dissimulator started the fall semester by coming to visit Nancy every weekend and sometimes during the week. The three of us usually hung out until he had to leave the dorm at curfew, then they'd go to some hotel in town. Several weeks of this routine apparently wore him out. He rented an apartment and moved to The Black Hole. Naïve Nancy unofficially moved out of the dorm and into his place.

Long before the move, though, I'd noticed something fishy about The Dissimulator. He had this habit of talking about money. Specifically, how he had so much of it. Odd, I remember thinking. Don't the people who actually have money also have the good sense to keep their traps shut about it?

I'd been to his parent's home. While the structure was nice and on a fairly grand scale, the place was ill-decorated and unkempt. Who lives in a plantation-style "mansion" and hangs family portraits in plastic frames from the dollar store? Why are there no carpets in the house? Don't rich people always have fancy ancient carpets? And antiques? Where's the furniture that doesn't look like it came in a box that said “Assembly Required”? And why has The Dissimulator been driving around this dumpy Impala for weeks? Didn’t he say his Maxima just needed some repairs? What the hell gives?

Nevertheless, I remained friends The Dissimulator. Nancy had taken a job in a town about 20 miles away that kept her out late four nights a week. Being that The Dissimulator wasn't a student and wasn't working and spent all his time with Nancy and me, he had no other friends in town. Being that I'd skipped all the "go-on-ahead-and-make-yourself-some-friends-now-darlin'" gatherings, didn't have a fake ID, rarely spoke to classmates, and spent most of my free time with Nancy and The Dissimulator, I had only a handful of acquaintances. When Nancy was at work, The Dissimulator and I spent a great deal of time hanging out with one another.*****

Even still, I tried to tell Naïve Nancy when I started to see things were legitimately amiss with the guy. One day, The Dissimulator told Nancy he'd purchased a purple iMac for her. He claimed it would arrive in two weeks. It never did. After some serious prompting from yours truly, Naïve Nancy inquired about the MIA iMac. Each time, she received some excuse ("Back ordered." “Still backordered.” "Apparently purple is really popular." "The driver dropped it at the wrong address." and on and on), until she finally gave up and dropped the subject entirely.

Even though I thought his buying her a computer was a bit excessive, I found the blatant lie about doing so outrageous. It wasn't even a good lie. It's not like you'd really pay for a computer but not care that it was never delivered and just give up on it. I mean, you're destined to be found out in that situation. Who would lie about something like that? Who would stay with someone who lied about something like that?

But, I was guilty, too. I didn't run from these crazy people and their crazy ways. Apparently, I had a lesson to learn.

Stay Tuned for Part Two: Dirty Warfare is His Second Nature

* When a person you've only known for two years is more willing to see you off to college than your own parents, who've ostensibly known you your entire life, that person has every right to claim such a title. In fact, the "adoptive" part was dropped soon thereafter. She's been known as Mom since, but that’s too confusing for the blog. [Up]
** Since Pathologically Lying Manipulative Asshole Con Man Fucking Compulsively Lying Liar Guy is incredibly long, I opted for the slightly less burdensome moniker. [Up]
*** This is information to which I was not privy until much later in the game. [Up]
**** By the end of the year, I was in total agreement with her parents in this respect. [Up]
***** Eventually, there were rumors that The Dissimulator and I had something going on. I assure you, we never even flirted with the idea of flirting with one another, much less taking things further. [Up]