On The Opener: Fake It to Make It

AJ has been perched against the wall for a few minutes, separated from me and the others only by a few feet. As soon as I join her, he appears.

"So, I have to learn two new or interesting facts before the end of the night." Could've been a decent opener if he played it better, but he rushes it. Doesn't enunciate and project enough to push through the music and barroom noise.

I make him repeat himself, and his smile begins to look like it's a burden to maintain.

"Who gave you the assignment?" AJ asks, throwing him.

He hesitates before saying it's just for him, offering no further explanation. Apologizing when he has to repeat himself. Telling us he should speak more from his diaphragm. And, just like that, he's lost his audience.

He knows it, too. We see it in his body language as he moves to the side, literally slumps against the wall.

----

Approaching a group... Getting us involved with an open-ended question... Downplaying any allusions on our part to dating or sex or flirtation...

I thought I'd seen a fledgling Strauss-ite at work, but it turns out his self-help preference was Dating for Dummies. So perhaps Strauss's art form isn't exclusive to the PUA set, after all.

Days 7-9 in The Stylelife Challenge are devoted to the approach, or what Strauss calls The Opener.

First things first, Strauss tells guys to discard any lame-ass pickup lines they might be stockpiling.

"Do you come here often?" "What's your sign? "You must be tired... because you've been running through my mind all day." "Did it hurt?... When you fell down from heaven?"

While sometimes good for a chuckle, these lines are cliched and groan-worthy at best, and entirely skeevy and offputting at worst.

Strauss goes on to tell guys exactly how they should approach a group of people -- by asking an open-ended question that appears spontaneous, is motivated by curiosity, and is interesting to most people. He then offers advice to fine-tune the approach.

Smile. Be original. Be charismatic. Put your audience at ease. Show off your personality. Use your body language to your benefit. Keep everyone in your audience engaged. Know when to make your exit.

That guy at the bar? He was the same twitchy geek when he walked up that he was when he left.

The difference between those first few seconds, when he had our attention, and the last few, AJ long gone and my polite dismissal via handshake? Very briefly when he arrived, he seemed confident, sure of himself, happy, and content. Even if he was faking some or all of those things, he successfully engaged us in a conversation.

When it came to maintaining that? He let two feisty women get the best of him in a matter of mere seconds. Without even meaning to, AJ and I poked holes all in his tinfoil armor, revealing his insecurities and effectively exposing his lack of masculine appeal.

If nothing else, Strauss must do his followers a service in hammering home the importance of maintaining that happy, confident, in-charge facade. Of playing it cool even when you're sweating bullets.

I've played the fake-it-'til-you-make-it game before, countless times in countless situations. There really is something to be said for it.

The Stylelife Challenge: Days 1-6

Note: I've been bad about this Challenge business. Clearly. I could give you myriad excuses about my hectic schedule and moving and temporarily misplacing the book and whatnot, but I won't. :) Instead, I'll just jump right back into this thing...

- Set goals.
- Define how you're perceived and how you want to be perceived.
- Get out and talk to people.
- Start working to improve your physical appearance, voice, posture, etc.
- Boost confidence and build self-esteem.
- Stop being your own biggest obstacle.

I'm nearly one week into The Stylelife Challenge, and so far I can't disagree with anything Neil Strauss is selling.

In fact, I'm looking back at the long line of mopes I've dated and thinking that not a small number of the group would benefit from his directed challenges. Were they enrolled in the Strauss school, the poorly dressed would've shrugged off their stretched, faded, and holy T-shirts for better fitted apparel. The couch potatoes would've gotten their asses moving to the gym or the track or the courts on a regular basis. The dull and monotone would've learned the art of captivating storytelling. The ones who needed to practice personal hygiene would've (gasp!) practiced personal hygiene.

And If they'd all done all that? Well, it probably wouldn't have made my dating life a shining example of how to navigate the world of love, but at least I would've been navigating accompanied more often with menfolk who put some effort into the business.

Strauss claims he wants these guys to pay attention to appearance, particularly the little things (fingernails, eyebrows, etc.), because women do. And, by and large, he's right. Women somersault through hoops of fucking fire to look good. So why the hell don't we deserve a dating pool that does the same?

Strauss advocates adopting a sense of personal pride. Improving yourself on myriad levels to up your viability in the game. And I find absolutely nothing to argue with here.

That's the me now, though.

For years I did nothing to rid myself of the extra pounds. I wore what was comfortable, whether it was faded or holy or not. Simply put, I neglected myself. And, yet, I lamented the lack of interest from the males around me. Wondered why the ones who did come calling didn't treat me like a fairy tale princess. I told myself I wanted a man who could see past the superficial to the true beauty within me.

Yet when guys who were overweight or slovenly hit on me? Yeah... I tended to shoot them down. Didn't really bother to look for any prince inside those toads.

I wanted something from my potential mates that I wasn't willing to give in return. I demanded that they respect and care for themselves in a way I wasn't willing to respect and care for myself. And my potential mates looked at me and saw that, because I didn't respect and care for myself, they wouldn't have to either. I don't know why it took me so long to see it, but I finally have.

And now? I am not model thin. My fingernails are sometimes snagged, and my toenail polish doesn't always carry a brilliant sheen. I am human. I am flawed. But I'm constantly working to improve myself, in both the physical and mental realms, and I am going to demand the same from any future partners.

I don't know what the remaining 24 days will bring, but right now I think every guy out there should be living the lessons from Days 1-6, as much for themselves as for The Game.

The 95th Percentile

Strauss’s Challenge has a web site. (Fancy that.) Some of the resources for the challenge are located on the site, so I got my quasi-neophyte self online and registered for an account.

First things first… Let’s begin with the Personal Profile Analysis!

Changing your life for the better starts with having an understanding of where you are today. The Stylelife Personality Profile Analysis will test your skills with women, measure your experiences in comparison to the national average, let you know exactly which of eight dating personality types you fit into, and tell you what you need - and how long it will take - to reach the next level.

So I fill out some forms telling the interwebz general information about:
- My love life: (Age; # of Distinct Intimate Partners to Date; time spent in serious relationships; etc.)
- My goals (Options include: increasing #/quality of sexual partners; losing virginity; finding woman for marriage; becoming a master seducer, etc. I pick Improving networking/business skills.)
- My beliefs (which could be more accurately titled “my social fears/behaviors/perceptions”)
- My learning strategies (desired timeframe; devotion to project; preferred learning methods, etc.)

I answer the questions truthfully, as myself. Not as if I am trying to be some dude.

And, the verdict?

My Stylelife Type: The Observer Guy

My profile tells me that I’ve got most (if not all) of the tools I need to meet (and have) women at my fingertips. I’m smart. Perhaps even smarter than dudes who are more successful than the ladies. But I tend to be a fence-sitter, standing at the back of the crowd watching everyone else have all the fun. Sometimes I can’t even get the courage to leave the house.

Sounds exactly like me, doesn’t it? ;-)

Mmmkay. Now, for the rest of it…


Mating Success Indicator: 95%!!!

Holy Shit! If I were a guy, I'd be in the 95th percentile for my age group in the Likelihood of Spreading My Seed category?!?!

The MSI Chart shows how you compare to the rest. 50% is average.

I… I really don't know what to say. If I were a dude, would I get some kind of medal or something for fucking more people than all the other dudes I know? Umm... I think a speech of some sort is in order…

I’d like to thank the many late nights at my favorite college bar (R.I.P. – You’ll always have a place in my heart!) … and the Walk-Me-Downs. And my favorite (now retired) Gettin’ Lucky Skirt (You know you’re irreplaceable!) And, oh, yeah, all the menfolk who met me and subsequently stuck it to me. I couldn’t have done this without all of you!

Jebus. How the hell was that number calculated, anyway?*

But, seriously... that can't be right, can it? I've had sex with more people than 95% of the guys my age?!?!? I mean, I’ve been around the block, but I haven’t been around the freakin’ continent…

Oh, wait. They had to get that data from somewhere, right? I'm being compared to the guys who are on this site because they can't get laid on their own. Right? Right? Phew… For a second there, I was thinking... Well, nevermind what I was thinking…

But now I’m confused all over again. I’m in the fucking 95^th percentile of Gettin’ Laid, and I’m The Observer Guy? Jebus! How much sexin’ does one have to do to NOT be considered a wallflower by the folks/’puters running the Stylelife Challenge?


* Apparently, my MSI was calculated like this:

My Age
– Average Age of Men’s Virginity Loss
= Remainder

Remainder
– Years in Monogamous Relationship(s)
= Years Available for Active Dating

Unique Intimate Partners
Years Available for Active Dating
= # of Hookups per Annum

My # of Hookups per Annum
v. Average Person
(my age and relationship years)

See? Tolja. Very scientific.

Belle: The Nomad

Later this week, I'll be moving for the 24th time in my 27 years.

I'll skip the commentary on what that may or may not say about myself and my family and just give the general announcement that updates on my progress with Mr. Strauss's Challenge are on hold until I get my ass out of one crappy place and into another (less crappy?) place.

Oh, but that friend who inspired me to finally get off my ass and do this challenge business? Yeah, he already landed a date (and some additional dates). All with a hot foreign teacher chick, no less...

That's a Lame Excuse for a Parable, Strauss

DISCLAIMER: Feeling extreme angst and moderate hatred toward males while writing this. Probably not giving it a fair chance. Definitely don't give a shit.



The Rules of the Game is actually a sleekly-packaged set of two books.

The first, the little white book, is The Stylelife Challenge, source of the daily assignments meant to mold a mere mortal man into that exalted being known as a Pickup Artist.

The little black book, The Style Diaries, contains stories from Neil Straus's many, many (many) hookups. I'm getting the feeling that it stands apart from his earlier PUA novel, The Game, in that it's almost an apology. Almost.

It's actually a pretty weak series of fabled stories meant, as I understood it, to be taken as Strauss's attempt at fleshing out the cliche, "With great power comes great responsibility."

So, hey, kudos to Strauss for trying in some small way to mitigate the potential damage visited upon countless women with this PUA business.

But if that is, in fact, Strauss's intent, I'm giving him a failing grade.

The book begins and ends with details from conversations between Strauss and his guru. In the preface, Strauss writes:

"I don't want to just offer you a self-help book and tell you that, if you follow it, in thirty days your life will be perfect. There's another side to the game: the destructive side. And, the more successful you are, the more you're going to rub against it."

Okay... So far, so good, right? I mean, you leave that kind of point-blank author-to-reader (mentor-to-pupil?) straight talk feeling like you're going to get some valuable, life-altering insight into why you should play The Game with caution, right? At least that's what I thought.

Unfortunately, the 11 stories illustrating the Rules of The Game fall incredibly short of the hard-hitting lessons I was expecting. Hoping for.

The stories are slightly pathetic and, somehow, simultaneously narcissistic.

I'll give you a synopsis.*

Rule 1: You don't choose who you fuck. Your penis does.
Synopsis: Strauss fucks broke down old broad. Old broad gets a makeover. Strauss thinks, momentarily, he's the Redeemer of Fuck. Then he's grateful to the old broad for teaching and/or giving him something I failed to grasp.
Belle's take: Your penis is stupid. And you're no Redeemer of Fuck. Get the fuck over yourself. She had a pee bag, for fuck's sake.

Rule 2: You're only as strong as your weakest link.
Synopsis: Strauss fails as wingman.
Belle's take: Boo-fucking-hoo. That guy wasn't even a good friend of yours anyway. And the chick you were supposed to bang was already knocked up by some other creep. So you and your boy don't get laid for one night. Get over it.

Rule 3: Game knows no bounds, geographical, religious, or otherwise.
Synopsis: Strauss goes to Muslim country. Gets played by Muslim broad.
Belle's take: Again. Boo-fucking-hoo.

Rule 4: Look before you leap.
Synopsis: Strauss fucks sisters (separately). Chooses younger, virginal one. Seems to think this action on his part, in essence ruined life of older, slutty sister.
Belle's take: Get the fuck over yourself. If that girl was going to marry a meth-head loser and throw away her life, she was going to do it (or something equally stupid) whether you fucked her sister or not.

Rule 5: You make your own reality.
Synopsis: Strauss meets women. Gets head. Has threesome. Meanwhile, Debbie Downer chick keeps herself down by generating negative self-fulfilling prophesies.
Belle's take: Maybe Strauss is onto something with the Debbie Downer chick. She seems to create a seriously negative vibe around herself and run people off. At least I'd want to run away.
But I'm missing exactly how Strauss and/or The Game fit into this scenario. He didn't make these women who they are. And, from his telling of the story, he didn't do much to make anything happen while he was with them, other than to show up and participate. So that makes him, what? A pawn in someone else's game? Poor, threesome-having baby!

Rule 6: Think positive, but have an escape plan.
Synopsis: A good little church girl falls in love with Strauss via email. When she comes to visit, he rustles up his conscience and manages to not take her virginity. Tries to let her down gently.
Belle's take: Good job, Strauss. Seems like you dusted off the conscience prior to the exploitation this time. Kudos. Really.

Rule 7: Obstacles can turn into the keys you need.
Synopsis: Strauss interviews old guy. Old guy's granddaughter is hawt. After much fancy footwork, Strauss manages to bang hawt granddaughter. Old guy bursts in on them in bed together and has a hearty guffaw. Strauss has bonding moment with old guy.
Belle's take: Old guy is a creepy, skeevy, disgusting man, obviously licking his lips while fantasizing about his hawt but untouchable granddaughter.

Rule 8: It's okay to let your emotions have a say every once in a while.
Synopsis: Strauss meets woman on foreign street, they let drunk guy "marry" them. Wait, was he a real priest? "Newlyweds"(?) form a "real connection." Strauss doesn't get her last name. Exalts fake, untraceable wife to pedestal. Randomly runs into and subsequently fucks fake wife a year later on domestic soil. Still doesn't bother to get her name.
Belle's take: Oh, come now. "The problem with 100% perfect love is that sometimes it's inconvenient."?!? Please. You told her a sappy "Serendipity" story to try to get into her pants, forgot your place, and started believing it yourself. What's convenient, really, is that neither of you could ever contact each other to see if this 100% perfect "love" could stand the test of, oh, I dunno, let's say a 24-hour period.

Rule 9: Without trust, there is no love.
Synopsis: Strauss really likes girl. Girl has pregnancy scare. Strauss suddenly remembers how clingy and jealous she's been of late. Realizes he couldn't possibly commit further to clingy, jealous girl.
Belle's take: While I agree with the sentiment of the actual rule, I think the story of Strauss deciding the relationship's inevitable, impending doom in the midst of this potential crisis (and subsequently, strangely, deciding to use this story to illustrate this particular rule) just highlights that he's an irresponsible creep who isn't ready or willing to face any consequences for his actions.

Rule 10: Temptation is a bitch.
Synopsis: Strauss, in a seriously misunderstood attempt to achieve some kind of enlightenment or clarity or whatever-the-fuck (He doesn't even know what he's looking for. How should the reader?), vows not to ejaculate for 30 days. Women come out of the woodwork wanting to fuck him. To torture him. Ever the considerate being, he offers his them his services, minus the final act. He has phone sex, he fucks women, he even attempts a threesome. But no orgasm for him. (Still not sure what the big deal is... Women have been managing this for untold ages...)
Until, that is, the 11th day. Then he just has to ejaculate during phone sex to salvage the ego of the woman he's had an entire relationship with OVER THE PHONE. The Lesson? If you're going to give up alcohol for Lent, it's probably best you don't hang out in the bar every goddamn night.
Belle's take: No shit, asshole. But what are you really telling your readers? Oh, that's right. Just look to the end for that answer... "I am an addict. I am a man." So, you're saying men can't possibly practice self-restraint because you have penises? It's not a choice; it's an addiction. Perfect! Instant absolution for every cheating man out there. You NEED sex. And not just any sex, but sex with as many women as possible. And so you shall have it. Thanks to your oh-so-helpful book, women everywhere get it now. You'll have no more pesky requests for monogamy from us. Promise.

Rule 11: You're probably going to die alone.
Synopsis: 1. She loves me gently, sweetly, patiently. I feel trapped. Must escape. 2. She loves me passionately, greedily, angrily. I feel trapped. Must escape. 3. Shit. I'm going to die alone.
Belle's take: Well, really, I think you said it all this time, didn't you, Mr. Strauss?

In the postface, Strauss is back with the guru guy, who ends up imparting what is, quite possibly, the only worthwhile lesson in the whole book.

It is essentially this:

You worked hard to become a successful Pickup Artist. If you don't want to die alone, you have will have to work just as hard, if not harder, to develop and maintain a life-long relationship.

Alternately, you can continue playing The Game forever and hope that last fling before you get your own pee bag is saddled with her own guilty conscience and ends up sticking around.

Your choice.



* The "Rules" listed here are merely bastardized restatements of Strauss's. I don't want any trouble from the plagiarism police.

The Game: Getting out of the Gate

As promised, I've begun Neil Strauss's The Stylelife Challenge: Mastering the Game in 30 Days.

So far, it's pretty innocuous.

The first mission for Day 1 involved some basic self-assessment. I'd say it's not a bad way for pretty much anyone to prepare for entering the dating world.

That was followed by some pretty sound advice about what Strauss has deemed a "limiting belief."

A limiting belief is something that you believe about yourself, or other people, or the world--and although it isn't actually true, the fact that you think it is holds you back from experience and success. Any time you tell yourself you "can't" do something that's within the realm of human possibility--that's a limiting belief.

Well, I can't really argue with the man there. Parents teach children essentially the same thing from a very young age. (See: The Little Engine that Could)

He goes on to give a few examples of common limiting beliefs and to counter those with "Reality." And I tend to agree with both his common examples and his methods of dispelling those beliefs.

I'll give you an abbreviated example.

Limiting Belief: Women are attracted to assholes.
"Reality": It ain't that women are attracted to assholes. It's that women are attracted to men who are (or seem) strong and can make them feel safe. (Belle's thoughts: Just so happens that most guys who accomplish this have a bit of the asshole thing going on, too.)

Anyway, after going through the process of recognizing and dispelling those pesky limiting beliefs, Strauss wants you to go out and, yanno, DO something. So the final challenge for Day 1 is to go talk to some folks. (Specifically, some folks you don't know.)

Mmmkay. Not usually a problem for me, but I can see where it'd be useful for a lot of people.

So, again. We're at the beginning, covering the basics. I'd imagine this is the kind of stuff that begins many of the target audience for a book about dating (shagging/marrying/what-have-

you) whichever sex arouses your libido.

So, onward we trudge. Day 2 to come!