Renewable Marriages: Can we have the 7-Split E-Z, please?

"Marriage? Are you fucking insane?!"

That pretty much sums up my take on the prospect of "Holy Matrimony" for the past, oh, I dunno, 15 years or so.

Having been witness to exactly zero first marriages that actually ended up working out, I became skeptical of the whole ritualistic pledge of commitment (and its very real ramifications) at a fairly young age.

Let's take a look at some stats,* shall we?
- About 95% of divorces are uncontested.
- Nearly all divorces are granted.
- Divorces can cost between several hundred and many thousands** of dollars, without taking into account additional expenses.***
- "Recent US scholarship based on such longterm tracking, has found that about 60% of all marriages that result in divorce do so in the first decade, and more than 80% do so within the first 20 years; that the percentage of all marriages that eventually end in divorce peaked in the United States at about 41% around 1980, and has been slowly declining ever since, standing by 2002 at around 31%."

Loads of people are getting divorced in this country every day. My thought? They will continue to do so. Religious, social, and financial ramifications be damned. Unhappy married people are going to get divorced.

I have a plan, though.

If the powers-that-be put it into effect, the divorce rate in this country would plummet practically overnight. All we have to do is make marriages renewable.

I originally suggested the option for renewal every 10 years, but since most divorces occur before the first decade is up (and most of my friends say 10 years is far too long), I'm amending to 7 years.

So sometime around your 6 1/2 year mark, you get a neat little packet in the mail. And the two of you sit down and assess the status of your relationship. And if you both think it's dandy and want to give it another 7-year go, you choose to renew. And if you're both thinking the whole thing sucks and want out, you choose not to. And it's as simple as that.**** There's no need to bog down the fantastically efficient U.S. court system with your decision, one way or the other.

It's no small commitment, 7 years. But a lot can happen in that time. Marriage would still be a binding legal contract, but people would likely take the potential for a split a little more seriously at the outset instead of placing all their starry-eyed faith in the unfaltering foreverness of their special loving bond.

Hmmm... seven years until renewal? She'll be in med school the whole time... I think I want a pre-nup that will give me some reimbursement if she decides to head out after I support her through all that.

Signing a pre-nup would be a logical and necessary part of the marriage process. So there should be no worries of a "what? You don't trust me? You don't have faith that our love is everlasting and undying and don'tyouthinkwe'llbetogetherforever?" conversation.

The renewal packet would be as easy or as involved as necessary for your particular marriage/separation. Kind of like your taxes. The packet would include instructions for how to deal with all the things you have to deal with in such situations. (Division of property, custody/visitation agreements, etc.)

If your split is incredibly complicated, you could just head down the street to the renewable marriages counterpart of H&R Block. Courteous professionals would be right there to walk you through the process and send you on your respective ways.

I think we could save time and money, greatly reduce stress and negative social stigma associated with divorce, and perhaps make the country a little happier on the whole.

And just in case someone with high morals and staunch religious beliefs stumbled accidentally upon this site and has been reading in outrage up until now, I'll go ahead and address your complaints as I predict them. (This is a good time to wipe the rage-spittle from the corners of your mouth. It's incredibly unattractive.)

The U.S. government should view marriage as a legal contract between two people. (I say should because our fearless leaders are confused about this. For one thing, they're currently confusing the moral/religious aspects of marriage with the government's role in recognizing the whole thing. I won't delve too far into the gay marriage issue, but everyone should understand that I firmly believe in separation of church and state and that gay marriage is an issue of civil rights.)

As a legal contract, there should be no problem with the government recognizing it for a period and offering the option to renew that recognition. Happens all the time, right?

If you want to start in on the religious or moral aspects of marriage, save it. I'm not saying anyone HAS to split at 7 years or at any of the increments thereafter. If your religion is important to you and you believe in marriage until death, more power to you. Stick with it. Reap the benefits. And stay the hell out of everyone else's business.

My plan doesn't affect you one way or the other. Just check "Renew" on the handy dandy form and return it in the pre-addressed, postage-paid envelope and rest assured that you're better than everyone else. (We all know you're already doing it, anyway. Jebus frowns on that, ya know.)

Vegas weddings. Marriage between atheists. Adultery. Divorce.

As far as I'm concerned, marriage and sanctity have nothing to do with one another for most Americans to begin with, no matter what the Moral Majority is telling everyone to think. And for the rest of you? Like I said, this wouldn't affect you. You're not separating, remember? You and your smoochiekins will be together forever. Way to go!

All I'm saying is we could make that divorce rate a smaller and more manageable thing. Separations wouldn't have to be the ugly, drawn-out affairs they often are now. They wouldn't have to negatively affect kids and adults alike.

Moreover, just knowing you have the option to renew or not might actually reduce the stress of the FOREVER commitment and perhaps eventually act as a lubricant that helps some couples stay together.

Thoughts? Anyone?


* The stats are admittedly sketchy, since the census data doesn't take anything but a few numbers into account. Most of the info is from this wiki article and is about divorce in the U.S.
** This estimate is taken from this Divorce Magazine article .
*** Such as increased auto insurance. In an act of passive-aggressive vengeance, my mom's ex-husband called her agency to inform them she was divorced. After being their (unmarried) customer for nearly a decade (and married less than a year), her rate nearly doubled overnight. Apparently, getting divorced makes you a high-risk driver.
**** Unless, of course, it's not that simple and one of you wants to keep it up and the other doesn't. Since this is a hypothetical that Iknow will never be realized, I don't have to get into the dirty details of your problems. (But I imagine if one person doesn't want to keep it up and can't be convinced otherwise, there's probably little point.)