Forgiveness: Are we selling it or giving it away?
Ms. Potato and I grabbed some drinks and appetizers before the concert Friday night. The young couple occupying the table next to us was celebrating a birthday. When the girl opened her gift, Ms. Potato and I noticed that oh-so-recognizable little blue box. A bracelet and a necklace from Tiffany. The bits of their conversation we couldn't help but overhear led us to believe that the two were a relatively new couple.
Ms. Potato: They haven't been together long.
Belle: I know. What I don't understand is him getting her those gifts now. Isn't he just setting a high standard and making it more likely he'll disappoint her in the future?
Ms. Potato: No, he's making a promise of things to come.
I pondered Ms. Potato's take and decided she's right. Seems like the best way for a guy to get a girl to stick around longer than it's worth her while is to woo like hell at the beginning.* He gives her expensive jewelry or brings her flowers or wine when he comes over for dinner. Then, when he reverts to his natural state of being a lazy, selfish asshole, his little lady will look back at those super sweet things he did at the beginning and forgive him. Again and again.
I asked Ms. Potato if this tendency to forgive makes us idiots or if it speaks the depth of our good nature and desire to believe the best of people. Perhaps it's a combination of the two. Perhaps it's neither.
Roommate and I had a related discussion when reflecting upon a Sunday matinee. Roommate said she could see how women could keep going back to men who are abusive. With no prompting from me, she said it was that women want to believe in the goodness of the guys they're with.** That when a guy says he'll never hit her again, she truly and honestly wants to believe he's telling her the truth.
The Misogynist weighed in on another topic last night, calling the women "weak-willed" who believe the guys who say they will change or who stick with the guys who morph from Prince Charming to a beast just when the relationship is starting to progress.
It seems many of us agree that women keep forgiving and/or believing guys who don't really deserve it. So is it that initial investment that keeps us coming back? The long, witty e-mails or poems? The nice dinners or flowers? The Tiffany jewelry?
Or is it that we really are starry-eyed and naive when it comes to guys? Is there something in women that makes us unwilling to believe that men (or people in general) have no capacity for sincerity and change?
* I know I'll probably get blasted for stereotyping and whatnot. Obviously there must be exceptions to anything I'm saying here, but I am going with my generalizations.
** I weighed in with the thought that abusive guys are more likely to date more dependent women. Granting that my first-hand knowledge of the abusive relationship scenario is somewhat limited, I definitely believe this to be true.
8 comments:
I have never received anything in a Tiffany's box. To be wooed like that, I wouldn't know.
There are a few interesting things at play here. First - the Tiffany gifts that cost this guy close to $500. And cliched gifts at that (at least they are to me). While I think surprise gifts are great, I don't think that anyone needs to express their like for someone else with a blue box or a Playstation. But that's just me.
Secondly, I think women constantly think men can change. A lot of women want a certain kind of guy, relationship, etc and there are those who are too picky to settle for someone who may only have 3 of the 5 things they really want and then there are those who think they can mold a guy into what they want.
Although it's a bit cynical, I think it's a good point about giving great gifts in the beginning so she'll forgive him later on. I'm naive in that I would hate to think that there are people (either sex) that manipulative out there to do that...
Actually, I agree with your first asterisk point. I dated the fellow Dawn lovingly calls McIdiot for a fairly long time as far as college romances go. He was great in the beginning... different. I knew he was wrong for me, but it's amazing the kind of hold a guy can have on a woman when he gives her a handful of sweet memories to hold on to.
We were ill-matched. I held on to who I thought he was--and to the freedom* I felt like I had when I was around him--and he held on to me, as a crutch, an obsession. That's never healthy.
*Freedom was pretty important to me in those days, namely because I never felt like I had any at the time.
Pissed: I've never gotten a blue box, either. But if a guy who was still introducing me to his friends' names (as this guy was) bought me a present from Tiffany, I'd have to call it a night and head out. That's just too much. I'd be wondering, "What's he up to?"
Carrie: I'm with you; that's way too much money to be dropping for a present, and it's super cheesy. I plan to visit the whole "Men and Change" topic relatively soon, so I'll leave that out here. But, yeah, I've been called cynical and pessimistic on more than one occasion. I like to think of it as realism, but that doesn't bode well for the world at large, does it?
Rima: I'm pretty sure I know who you're referring to. I think we all go through it at some point. Here's to hoping that we don't keep repeating our mistakes!
I have a lot to say about this (all in agreement to Carrie), but I'm still stuck on the Tiffany box. I let myself think that someone helping me set the table was wooing. (And in some cases it might be, in this particular instance ladies, it was not.) I enjoyed this!
Brandy: Trust me, I've considered much less to be "wooing" ... things along the line of setting the table. *slaps forehead* Don't I feel like an idiot! I could've gotten some serious eBay booty out of the deal! (Can't imagine a situation in which I'd think the jewelry was more important than the cash!)
And, thanks!
The fellow I'm dating now fits more into the category of "the type of guy I'd like to date" instead of "the type of guy I typically date."
We'll see how things go. :)
Good for you, Rima! Hope that works out for you.
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