Mission Impossible? Reviving the dead art of dating

Looking back at all these dates I’ve had in the past few months (No worries: more war stories will follow), I have to admit I’m suddenly in mourning. It seems the art of dating seems to have all but gone the way of the dodo*.

With a couple notable exceptions, the guys I’ve been out with lack even the most basic grasp of the concept of a proper date. I’m not asking for the clichéd five-star dinner followed by dancing and a moonlit walk along the Potomac. I do realize it’s 2006, everyone is busy, I’ve met this (these) guy(s) through a Web site, we really know nothing of one another, and that hardly anyone can be expected to willingly devote the time and energy it takes to plan a three-course, formal date for a total stranger. That cliché is not at all what I’m mourning.

All I really want is the basic premise of an actual date. Two people agree to said meeting. Someone (preferably the guy, although that, perhaps, is an antiquated notion to most) selects a destination. The two agree on a meeting place and time on a specific day. Each party prepares for the date, preferably by showering and putting on some clean and presentable clothes (there’s typically no need for a three-piece suit, but can anyone do better than a rumpled T-shirt these days?), and leave their respective locations with ample time to arrive at the destination at the agreed upon hour (and, yes, that should take into account the possibility-– nay, the reasonable expectation-- of Metro and/or traffic delays. These things are a daily occurrence in our grand city, and it won’t hurt anyone to arrive somewhere a few minutes ahead of schedule).

The two greet one another with smiles and a handshake, perhaps even a hug, if so inclined. During the date, they discuss a variety of pleasant topics and do their best to engage one another, maybe learn some things about one another (it is, after all, quite similar to an interview, no?). When they depart, they once again shake hands (or hug). Perhaps there is talk of another meeting or plans are made, perhaps not. They go their separate ways.

Rather than resembling anything like the scenario I just described, the vast majority of the so-called dates I’ve been on have started with the guy insisting that I find a place for us to go. Almost none of them has been willing to devote any portion of a weekend day to meeting me (no matter how insistent they’ve been about meeting or for how long and how I try to impress upon them that my weekdays usually pretty full). Most of them want me to travel to meet them on their home turf (especially, it seems, if they live beyond Metro access. What’s with that?).

Most dress down as much as possible for our meeting, making it feel less a like date than a chance encounter on his laundry day. Several have launched into telling me all about their terrible days almost immediately upon arrival. A few have even gone into detail about past relationships, flings, and/or one-night-stands within an hour or so of first setting eyes on me.

Perhaps, friends, the reason most of these men are on Craigslist is that they lack any understanding of the art of dating. (And, yes, I’ll argue dating is--or should be-- an art. It takes effort, skill, and hard work. Some people do it beautifully, others not so well. It’s subject to interpretation and criticism, and the same exact actions can yield different results for different players, or even for the same players at different times. If you’ve ever created anything, you know that’s pretty much how it works. And dating—not the we’re-already-in-a-relationship type of dating, but the kind prior to any such commitment—is, in that dying ideal, a step toward the creation of a relationship.)

Now, I’m not one to pass a chance at a self-deprecatory side note, but, I must say, for my part I do put some effort into these so-called dates. I dress the part, make sure I’m reasonably well-groomed, and, if I can’t revisit my daily cleansing regimen (if, for instance, we’re meeting just after I get off work), at least freshen up my makeup, brush my teeth, and dab on some fresh perfume. I do my best to arrive on time. I behave pleasantly and do my best to remain attentive. I try not to whine to this near-perfect stranger about the latest office drama or anything else he’d likely find exceedingly tedious.

But so far, the “dates” I’ve landed, with the exception of two, from this whole CL venture, did not meet those basic requirements. The two guys who did pretty much follow the pattern, now that I’m thinking about it, were with guys a bit my senior. I think both were in their early- to mid- thirties. Neither had a problem planning the evening or arriving on time (gasp! Even early!). Each kept his end of the conversation light and respectful, made sure I got home safely, and never once made an off-color remark or said anything laced with sexual innuendo. But, then, there’ve also been several who were around the same age and didn’t do so well for themselves, so I’m not claiming guys in their 30s actually know what dating is… more like noting that these two had that (and nothing else, really) in common.

So my question is, what happened to dating? Seriously, I don't think I'm too far off in saying that it wasn't so long ago when people took dating to be a normal step prior to the formation of a relationship. It was like a series of long interviews, fun (presumably) included.

Actually, I first noticed this my freshman year in college. I had been on several dates with a guy in one of my classes. We only saw each other on weekends (aside from the class, of course) and didn't talk on the phone except to make plans. We were actually dating, in the we're-trying-it-out-before-committing-to-anything sense of the term. This went on for probably a little over a month before I was informed by another girl at dinner one night (with him by my side, no less) that we were dating, the in-a-relationship kind of dating. I nearly choked when she said this (it was really posed in the form of a question, but the meaning was quite clear and it still freaked me out beyond belief). Before that, I had no idea that more than three or so dates constituted a relationship. At the time, the word made me break out in hives (I'm still a little itchy from typing it just now).

Perhaps the next time I post an ad, that's what I'll ask for. Actual dating. Not going out once or twice on some sorry excuse for a date then jumping into the sack and trying to figure out what the hell's going on between the two of you from there. See, I've been there. Where I haven't been is on a series of decent dates, especially not with the same guy. Not since, at least, that guy I dated my freshman year. He knew what dating was. But maybe that's really only because he was still in the closet. Are gay boys better daters than breeders now? I wonder...

Belle's mission, should she choose to accept: To resurrect the art of dating using only her charm, wit and the CL personals.

* I’ll concede that my experiences are nearly entirely through CL meetings and that this site may just be a magnet for guys who are dating doofuses. I won’t go so far as to say that dating is completely dead. I hear things that indicate otherwise. I’m just saying I haven’t been a first-hand participant in the phenomenon.