Frank & The Fiancée: Hands off my man

This entry will be an exception to my rule not to use names or other identifying information. I feel it’s warranted. The e-mails below are posted in chronological order and have not been edited except to remove the names of everyone but Frank.

Subject: Hello, I am also 420 friendly and quitting smoking.

From: Frank Black
To: Belle
Date: Aug. 10, 2006

Hello luv. I just came by your profile on craigslist. I liked what I read, and I would like to hear more about you and to get to know you. I do have pics if you are interested, but I do expect some in return. Drop me a line. A little about myself, I stand in at 6'3, I weigh 235lbs solid, I do work out, regularly. I have brown eyes, and my hair is locked. I love the outdoors, sports (watching and playing). I love to read/write, I am also a movie/music/book junkie. I look forward to hearing back from you.

(I also received this same message in response to my initial ad. I didn’t respond the first time ‘round. I shouldn’t’ve responded the next time ‘round. I would not have if I'd realized he'd sent the thing before. I don't respond to form letters when I spot them.)

To: Frank Black
From: Belle
Date: Aug. 10, 2006

Hello, Frank is it?

Thanks for responding. Here's a pic. I'd write more, but I'm at work and need to get some things done pretty quickly here. How are you today?

Belle

*Pic was attached*

To: Belle
From: Frank Black
Date: Aug. 10, 2006

Hello Belle,

Thanks for the pic, you are beautiful. I like alot. I am sending you a pic as promised. It is not the best pic, but you can see what I look like. I would love to hear more about you when you get a chance.

The following message omits a canned response I’d begun sending to everyone who responded to my second ad. It helped me weed through guys at a rapid rate. I took it out of this post because it made it too damn long and had nothing to do with Frank, as he never responded.

To: Frank Black
From: Belle
Date: Aug. 10, 2006

Hey Frank,

How about that pic??

Subject: me
From: frank black
To: Belle
Date: Aug. 10, 2006

Tell me what you think.

*Pic was attached*

Honestly, I though Frank looked perhaps a little crazy and not quite my type (which is why I deleted his response and our first two e-mails). Needless to say, I didn’t respond. When I arrived at work, I had the following message in my inbox.

Subject: Frank
From: The Fiancée
To: Belle
Date: Aug. 11, 2006

Hi Belle,

I saw that my fiancee communicated with you today about pic through his myspace account, can you please refrain from communicating with him as we are scheduled to be married in 5 weeks.

Thanks in advance,

The Fiancée

Ummmmm...Wow.

Subject: Frank
From: The Fiancée
To: Belle
Date: Aug. 11, 2006

The Fiancée,
Wow. Sure thing. Thanks for telling me. Frank Black, is it? I won't be talking to him any more. Good luck.
Belle

(I then forwarded the above message to both Frank and The Fiancée with the following addition.)

Oh, wanted to make sure you got this, too, Frank. I hate drama, and I'd never get involved with someone who already has commitments.

From: The Fiancée
To: Belle
Date: Aug. 11, 2006

Thanks so much ---! yes his name is frank black, just be on the lookout

From: The Fiancée
To: Belle
Date: Aug. 11, 2006

thanks ---, I forwarded this to him as well!!!!

Note The Fiancée’s reference to contact through Myspace. Since this was a craigslist posting (and because he’d responded to both of my ads), I have to assume he’s been contacting women both on Myspace and on Craigslist, and probably for quite some time and pretty frequently.

I’m glad she was polite to me and didn’t automatically go on the attack. She could've gone all Springer on me and made my life hell. So, like I said, I'm really happy she didn't automatically assume I was a bitch intentionally trying to steal her man.

But five weeks before the big day and he's trolling for women? I'd've dumped his ass without hesitation. If I'd been in the same situation, my e-mail would've read something like this:

Subject: Frank
To: The Other Woman
CC: Frank
BCC: Everyone in Frank's address book; Frank's employer and coworkers; Everyone in my address book; Anyone else I could think of

Hi The Other Woman,

I just saw that my fiancé, Frank Black, has contacted you. We were to be married in five weeks, so I'm glad I found this out before I made that mistake. Anyhow, I just thought you should know that, in addition to being a liar and a cheater, Frank's got a much smaller penis than he'd like you to believe. Unfortunatly, he can't really work it either. He also has --insert incurable STD(s) here--. He still sucks his thumb at night, and he almost never brushes his teeth. Anyhow, I just thought I'd let you know!

Thanks,
Belle

Essentially, I'd tell every embarrassing thing I knew about the guy and then make up a few kickers of my own to add. If I had any compromising photos, I'd include those as well. And I'd probably post it on Craigslist for the next several weeks, no matter how many times it got flagged and removed. Maybe even make posters and hang them up around the neighborhood.

I didn’t hear from Frank or The Fiancée again. I only hope she came to her senses and didn’t marry the asshole.