The Dread Southern Homestead
LADirtyDisco called one night last week. She was back on the West Coast after spending a week or so with her family in the 'Sip. I asked about her trip.
LA: (sighs wistfully) It wasn't long enough. You know when you go home and you think, 'This is wonderful! I love it here. Why did I ever leave?'
Belle: Not really... I cry every time I go home... On the way there...
I booked a flight ages ago for our family reunion this weekend. As it nears, my fearful anticipation is constantly evolving. My stomach has been knotted with dread for weeks already. I've stopped myself from checking my itinerary online for fear I'd cancel my ticket in a moment of desperation.
I've never quite felt like I belonged in my family. They're my family, and I love them and feel loved by them (in varying degrees), but I've never felt like an integral part of what's going on with them. Always the outcast. The black sheep.
And why am I the black sheep?
Because I'm female and did not make wifedom* and motherhood my primary ambitions in life.
Because I read.
Because I don't constantly exhibit the prescribed and acceptable attributes of a nice Southern girl.**
Because I'm not a bigot.
Because I wanted to see more of the country, more of the world.
Because I obtained a university-issued degree.
Because I don't think that a woman's place is in the kitchen unless that's where she fucking wants to be.
Because I don't espouse the ideas of the Christian Right.
Because I made it through 25 years without getting locked up or knocked up.
Because I escaped the 'Sip.
That list pretty much exemplifies why I'll proudly tell you I'm the outcast of my family. But it does very little to ease any tensions I have when I revisit the Southern Homestead.
Roommate pointed out that any visit home confirms that hightailing it out of there was the best decision I could've made. That I'm happy with the life I've chosen. She's right, but it doesn't make the whole experience less emotional or exhausting.
* Yeah, like serfdom. You got it.
** I'm fairly certain I'll remain a girl in the eyes of the fam until I pop out a kid or get hitched.
6 comments:
ohmy. good luck at home my m'dear. half my family is from the south - it's always quite an experience going down there, i feel for you.
"Because I'm female and did not make wifedom and motherhood my primary ambitions in life."
Was this the one that qualified as serfdom?
I'm right there with you on all that one, and all of the other items on your list.
h: Thanks for the kind words.
sun: Good catch! (Stupid disappearing asterisks...) Thanks!
Good luck! I'm glad you embrace your black-sheep status. At least they love you in spite of it (although I'm sure there are some extended-family exceptions). :)
Thanks, gn! I think they all love me... well... they probably did until I made the ill-advised decision to mass e-mail some of them* a fairly liberal article. I'm now bracing myself for the wrath and/or cold shoulder of my favorite aunt (and who-the-hell-knows-who-else) at the coming gathering.
* "Them" being those in my family who constantly assault my inbox with conservative/Christian/yay-Bush/etc. forwards.**
** Even my commments (and, apparently, footnotes) have footnotes? WTF? Who do I think I am, David Foster Wallace?? Geez...
I think you should be proud that you are the black sheep. You had goals and obtained them, so what if you are barefoot and pregnant. why you think my dad and i didn't talk for 7 years.... i wasn't who HE wanted me to be. i am better off being me, and the same applies to you. this is why you arte my best friend. the thing i realized when i moved back to texas was that everyone that stayed there and didn't go off to college were married, had kids, or both.... i think they would envy people like us. wouldn't you? i love you cho cho. you are my best friend, and this is exactly why.
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