Thank you: You just made it all so much easier

A well-meaning friend told NRA I was having second thoughts earlier this week. After that, I spent a good portion of the next several work days responding to his IMs* and wiping away tears. We went back and forth, me saying the lack of trust just wasn’t going away, him saying he’d change. He’d introduce me to his friends. We’d define the relationship. And on and on…

On Wednesday, I told him I’d have to think about it. He said he understood, that, while he didn’t want to wait forever for my answer, he believed I really should think about it because he didn’t want me coming back to him just because I was comfortable with the idea of a relationship and not because I wanted to be with him. I agreed he had a valid point. Being new to the relationship thing in general, I wasn’t at all sure what my mixed emotions really meant. I’ll admit, I really was second-guessing myself at this point. The negatives were becoming fuzzy. All the good things were heightened and emphasized in my mind.

So I sat down and read everything I’d ever written about NRA, both in this forum and in my paper journals (yeah, some of us still keep those, too). Looking back through my paper journals completely solidified my feeling that going back to him would do no good. I realized that, no matter if we changed everything else that had been wrong, the lack of trust would still be there, making me suspicious of his every move and motivation.

Some people seem to thrive on jealousy and distrust in relationships. I’m not one of those people. I don’t like jealous guys, and I don’t want to be the jealous girl.

I’m not kidding when I say I have serious issues with trust. About 60 percent of the entries in my paper journal addressed the subject in some way. And reading those entries reminded me that I’m not one who can forgive and forget a major breach of trust. Not immediately anyway. I need time for the wounds in such a situation to heal. I need time to come to terms with the infraction in my own way. I need time away from the person who violated my trust. And even given time, there’s no guarantee of forgiveness.

When I saw him online Thursday, I said hello to him,** and then I told him what I’d decided.***

...
NRA: I cant keep talking to you about all this
NRA: it sucks, but if this is the case than it is
Belle: I wish it was something I could just say, okay, I'm going to believe you, but it's not.
Belle: you're right. we don't need to keep dragging it on.
NRA: it is what it is, but I can't keep reopening the issue everyday
…
NRA: I'll stop contacting you and what not
NRA: I wish you the best of luck hun
NRA: bye
Belle: I wish you the best, too.
Belle: I hope everything goes well for you.
Belle (9:24:01 AM): bye, NRA.
NRA (9:25:29 AM)****: why couldn't you have just let things go go
NRA: damn, why did you have to bring it up again today
Belle: I'm sorry.
Belle: I thought you wanted an answer.
Belle: I didn't want you to still be wondering about it.
NRA: I would have rather you just never contacted me again
NRA: I would have been fine
Belle: that's crap, NRA
NRA: I already erased all your numbers, emails, everything, so you would have to contact me
Belle: okay. well you showed up on my buddy list, and I just thought you might be waiting for a response since you hadn't been signing on IM at work lately
NRA: I didn't want to keep dragging you through it
Belle : I'm sorry.
NRA: its fine, I just need to get work done and now I cant think again
Belle: I'm sorry. Really.
NRA: I honestly think I was falling in love with you*****
Belle: I'll leave you alone now.
NRA: ok
NRA: bye
Belle: bye
NRA: well I'm sorry for getting pissed, and thankyou for the answer, at least I know now not to still think maybe down the line, and can move on and find someone else
Belle: okay
NRA: are you mad now
Belle: I'm upset. I don't know how this suddenly became me dragging things out and getting blamed for distracting you at work
Belle: i've been sitting at my desk crying every day this week while talking to you
NRA: I'm sorry, forget I said all that
Belle: and now it's my fault.
NRA: its not your fault
NRA: I'm sorry, dont cry
Belle: I'm not crying now.
NRA: ok good
…
NRA: ------- asked me to ask you to go to dinner with me at there house next week
NRA: asked me to bring you with us to the Dillan night at that place on monday
Belle: you're right. we can't keep dragging this out.
NRA: nevermind
NRA: I have to go clear my mind and get ready for a meeting
NRA: I'm about to get chewed out, so have a good life I guess
NRA: bye
Belle: jesus
Belle: bye
...

You bet your ass I wasn’t crying. I was furious. He had the nerve to be a jerk to me like that in the same conversation he was telling me he was falling in love with me and asking me to go meet his friends? The nerve to accuse me of distracting him at work and dragging things out, when he was the one who had contacted me repeatedly every single day since we broke up, keeping me from work and destroying my ability to concentrate?

Things didn’t end here, but this post is already gargantuan, so I’m just going to sum up now. I’m honestly glad he was a jerk to me. It made me wholeheartedly believe that my decision to end things was the right one. It replaced my sadness with anger (and we all know I can handle the latter a helluva a lot better). It made me realize that, like my friends had been telling me, I do deserve better. It made me realize that he is even more childish and immature than I’d suspected he was and that, even though I’m the one with the lack of relationship experience, he was the one who wasn’t really ready for a girlfriend.

* I’d say it’s noteworthy that every time he initiated a serious conversation, he did it via text or IM rather than in person.
** This was the first time I’d initiated contact since I broke up with him. The daily contact we’d had since then was all his doing.
*** The IM excerpts have not been edited, save to remove or change names.
****Note the time it took him to come back and flip everything around on me.
***** An instant message is not exactly how I thought I’d first be told that someone was falling in love with me. It wasn’t quite awesome.