Of course I would be...
... second-guessing myself. When am I not?
NRA called late Sunday/early Monday. He was obliterated. I’d had at least a bottle of wine and wasn’t entirely sober myself. The conversation was emotional and, at times, nearing nonsensical. I cried buckets.
------I've deleted this section because of paranoia, but I'm not getting into my reasoning here. What I took out basically said I feel like shit, I'm going back and forth on it and beating myself up over my long-standing issues with trust.------
And, then again, maybe I’m just making excuses, and my decision was right, even though it’s difficult now. And he would’ve hurt me even more. Or, then again, just maybe I should’ve mentioned everything I was feeling rather than suppress it for fear of being nagging and demanding. Or, then again, maybe it wouldn’t have mattered.
Ugh. It’s too much to consider. My head might explode.
NRA called late Sunday/early Monday. He was obliterated. I’d had at least a bottle of wine and wasn’t entirely sober myself. The conversation was emotional and, at times, nearing nonsensical. I cried buckets.
------I've deleted this section because of paranoia, but I'm not getting into my reasoning here. What I took out basically said I feel like shit, I'm going back and forth on it and beating myself up over my long-standing issues with trust.------
And, then again, maybe I’m just making excuses, and my decision was right, even though it’s difficult now. And he would’ve hurt me even more. Or, then again, just maybe I should’ve mentioned everything I was feeling rather than suppress it for fear of being nagging and demanding. Or, then again, maybe it wouldn’t have mattered.
Ugh. It’s too much to consider. My head might explode.
3 comments:
Before you get back together, ask yourself how things would be different. Can you trust him now? Will you be willing to ask for what you want? Or, excepting that, not tolerate his bullshit behavior?
I'm not saying don't go back, but I am saying you need to do a better job of sticking up for yourself. Reading the account of your relationship with NRA, I see you tolerating a lot of inconsiderate behavior from him, even if you put the lying out of the picture.
Don't let him treat you as an afterthought, if you do decide to try again.
How? Don't be so available. All that availability is just your fear of scaring him away. If your perfectly reasonable desire to be treated like a human being scares him off, that's a GOOD thing.
Take care.
You're right, Jamy. I don't think I will be taking him back. I just keep running through it all in my head, and the feelings I'm experiencing are those of suck and more suck (lacking better terms, here).
Of course, we should all consider that this is really Belle's first relationship. She's experiencing the first real break-up. You know, that thing most people do sometime between high school and the first year or so of college. Yeah, well, she doesn't know how to handle it quite yet. (So little so that she's resorted to referring to herself in third person.)
Thanks for your input. It's always well-reasoned. :)
I think you're handling it just fine. You are letting yourself feel--and that's GOOD. Breakups hurt for all kinds of reasons. So, please don't feel bad about feeling bad.
As someone said here or on another blog, just because you know you have a problem with commitment doesn't mean you stick in a relationship just to prove you can commit. Lousy relationships should not be sustained merely to prove a point. I should know--I've done it!
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