Belle's Love Life (In 60 Seconds or Less)

In the realm of the dating world, I've got little to say. Let's have some bullets, shall we?

• NRA IMed me yesterday. His "Happy Easter," I'm proud to say, garnered no response.
  
• [Big-Name Dating Site] nearly revoked its offer, then came back with it, and now I'm stalling. (Explanation to follow.)
• I had another one of those dreams about Mr. Chill and am currently avoiding eye contact. Dammit. It's going to be a long day.
  
• The frequency and disturbing force of those dreams has me thinking it's time to get a little action. I suddenly find myself wishing Mr. Disney were in town...
  

Worst-Case Scenarios: The Proposal*

1. He goes home with you this summer, and, without speaking to you before hand, proposes at dinner in front of the whole family, addressing, of course, your father throughout his entire speech. (Oh, yeah, and he has no ring…)

2. You’re on the bus, and a huge hairy man with BO is standing just so that his sweat-drenched arm pit is positioned right in front of your face. Your guy stands, makes a grand speech for your fellow riders to hear, and proposes on the spot. The passengers erupt into applause, and the bus driver starts singing some off-key rendition of a song you (surprisingly) don’t recognize. Meanwhile, all the male riders feel it their duty to congratulate you, the bride-to-be, with various hugs, kisses, and gropes. (He stands idly by, grinning, as they take turns mauling you.)

3. He convinces you (hater of spicy foods, live music, and crowds of weirdos) to go to the Chili Cook-off with him. (You pay for your own ticket.) After you’ve been shoved around all day by the drunken crowd, he buys a bowl of 7-alarm chili and convinces you to eat it. The ring is at the bottom of the bowl, and he just keeps telling you to eat the whole thing, so you can get a “reward.”

4. He, uncharacteristically, spends the lion’s share of his savings on a fancy-dancy, too-big-for-your-hand engagement ring (which you think hideously gaudy). He proposes. You accept. The next day, he gets canned, asks if he can move in with you and if you can support him while he takes the next year to “find himself.” The wedding you had only started planning in your head is postponed indefinitely.

5. He asks you to marry him on gChat. When you suggest discussing the subject in person, he insists you have your best conversations in that forum and demands that you give him an answer or all bets are off.

6. You accompany him to Vegas for a business trip. He convinces you, in a cab, to marry him, then takes you to a Latin-themed wedding chapel where you’re expected to wear a revealing, multi-colored dress and salsa down the aisle.

7. He asks you in an eCard. You don’t respond. He never mentions it in person, but keeps sending you an eCard every month with the same question. When you bring it up, he finds an excuse to leave the room.

8. He plans the perfect evening… a nice dinner out, a wonderful evening at the theater, followed by a romantic picnic-style dessert course overlooking the water. He brings a chocolate-covered strawberry to your lips; you bite down and break your front tooth on the ring concealed inside.

1. You go to the dentist to get a cap for the tooth you broke. As the anesthesia is wearing off, the doctor hands you a mirror to let you inspect her work. When you open your mouth, you’re greeted by a gold cap with a diamond set in it. Just as you’re about to protest, your man comes around the corner, beaming proudly of his idea for an incredibly unique engagement “ring”, and asks again if you’ll marry him.

9. At his request, you plan a trip to Six Flags. You buy the passes, plan and make the picnic lunch, drive the two of you, and haul around the bag with both of your things in it all day. Toward the end of the day, you’re tired, a little peeved, and somewhat nauseous. He insists on riding the biggest, scariest roller coaster, and asks you to marry him just as you reach the largest summit. He pukes in your lap before you can respond. Then you puke all over yourself.

10. He surprises you (a teacher) at a school event, where all your coworkers, students, and students’ parents are present. He takes the mic, makes a big speech in which he reveals very personal details about you and very explicit details about your relationship, and proposes in front of all of them.

11. He reveals that he is not, after all, from the Northeast, but is an illegal immigrant. He proposes that you take the role of his wife for the next decade and that the two of you then make a clean break. In exchange for your services, and in payment for his green card, he’ll give you a lifetime supply of food from McDonald’s (and, of course, dual citizenship in a country that all but loathes women).

12. He proposes. You accept and announce your engagement to your family, friends, and coworkers. Only then does he tell you that he’s still “technically” married to a woman he had a one-night stand with in college and hasn’t been able to track down for the last six years.

13. He builds up your hopes and expectations for a special night out, full of intrigue and surprises. When you arrive at your destination, he takes your blindfold off, and you see you’re at a strip club. He tells you to “pick out a pair” on one of the dancers, and says he’ll pay for your breast augmentation surgery in lieu of buying you an engagement ring. This way, he claims, you’ll both reap the benefits for years to come.

* All in good fun, dearies. What would your worst-case-scenario proposals include?