AT&T Can Kiss My Lily White Ass

The recorded upbeat female voice emanating from my phone informs me of the myriad exclusive benefits I can enjoy from my wireless company. The "benefit" she's harping on now - Smart Limits - is the very one I'm on hold to complain about.

A few weeks ago, I started receiving text forwards from a number I didn't recognize. Taking into account the content of the messages and the area code, I presumed the culprit was a teen in the 'Sip with the wrong number and that they would eventually figure out their bosom buddy wasn't receiving these little snippets of brilliance and remove me from their list.

When I received a text around 7 one morning that read, "Happy birthday to me!!!" I used the opportunity to find out who in the hell found it imperative to send me such brilliance as:

"Math teacher asks, 'After 69, what's next?' The blonde says, 'You wash your mouth out, duh.'"

And

"If a lesbian's dinosaur name is lickalottapuss, then what is a gay guy's dinosaur name?..... Megasaurass!"

And

"Sex is like snow. You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it's gonna last."

The culprit? Brother's Baby Momma.

Seriously?!? At 26 years old, having two children with which to contend, you find the time and reason to send five to 10 completely juvenile text messages every day to, I have to assume, everyone in your contact list? Seriously?!?!?!?

Highly annoyed but not wanting to cause unnecessary drama, I didn't comment or respond to her messages for a couple of weeks. Then I got my cell bill. And had to fork out $20 for 200 text message charges.

I text a lot. But I pay extra each month for an expanded texting package, and this is the first time I've been charged for going over my limit. Being that I'm trying to cut back and dig myself out of the dank, dark hole of debt and into the highly-hailed light of the world of good credit, I'm not so much pumped about unexpected increases in my bills, yanno?

So the next time Brother's Baby Momma sent me a forward, I responded by politely and tactfully asking her to lay off with the forwards and assuring her she should feel free to call me any time (my rollover minutes abound).

The next day, BBM was at it again. Obviously, neither the voice of reason nor the state of my account balance mean diddly squat to this girl.

So I called AT&T, my wonderful wireless provider, explained the situation, and asked the annoyingly peppy Penelope if I could have texts from BBM's number blocked. Penny launched into a (definitively script-driven) spiel about the benefits of Smart Limits, which include blocking up to 15 numbers, limiting text messages sent and received, and various other parental controls, and can be added to my service for the low-low price of $5.99 per month.

Fantastic! That's wonderful news, Penelope! I'm sure indulgent parents everywhere are relieved that they finally have an option for keeping their teenage cell-obsessed children from bankrupting them. I, however, am an adult and am in full control of everything about my cell phone usage. Everything, that is, except the receipt of unsolicited text messages.

It's not just the messages from BBM, either. I'm sure most of you have received the odd text here and there from wrong numbers. Or texts promoting offers from various stores, or those promising lower mortgages and larger penises.

Why the hell should we have to pay for this shit?

After holding for a mid-management grunt for 20 minutes and being summarily disconnected, I called AT&T again and finally got a supervisor on the line. She was empathetic and agreeable.

Great, Jenn, I'm glad you "agree 100%" that I shouldn't be charged for messages I don't open. Also glad to hear I'm not the only one complaining. Now what's AT&T going to do about it? Jenn expressed her hope that the company would address the issue soon and directed me to an online feedback form. I, of course, had my answer: AT&T will do nothing. Nothing, that is but get richer from what could essentially be deemed harassment and unwanted solicitation.

I dutifully submitted my online feedback form, detailing my issue and asking for a response. We'll see where that leads, but I'm fairly confident those things go to some massive database that's only accessed by a guy named Big Charles once a year to clear space for a new crop of ignored complaints.