Creepballs & The Impending Shunning

Some random dude on my friends' list starting chatting with me the other day. Unable to remember exactly who he was, I checked out his profile and saw that he's engaged to an acquaintance from college.

His chat was friendly at first, and he referenced several of the parties I threw in college (Toga, anyone?), so I continued the seemingly innocuous thread while wiling away some of the workday.

He and the acquaintance, he told me, are getting married this summer. Kudos and congratulations were shared all around.

Then he proceeded to reference his infatuation with me while we were in school together. Then he proceeded to flirt shamelessly with me and even went so far as to furtively suggest we arrange a rendezvous.

Whoa, buddy.

You're marrying a girl I used to know in less time than bunny babies incubate, and you're telling me we should get together?

Let's forget the fact that I haven't a clue who the dude is. And the fact that he's halfway across the freakin' continent. And the fact that he obviously didn't even register on my radar back in the college days.

Let's just focus on the thread of conversation that went something like this:
- Greetings and Niceties
- References to Bygone Days
- Wedding Talk
- References to Crushes of Bygone Days
- Mild Flirtation
- Invitation to Wedding*
- Make-Your-Momma-Blush Flirtation & Thinly Veiled Propositions

He even asked for my freaking number! What the hell, man? I escaped the conversation, telling him there was work to be done.

The next day, though, he was at it again. And he skipped all but the most minimal niceties to go right to the blatant sexual references. So I called him on it.

Tsk. Tsk. Isn't your blatant online flirtation a bit tacky, considering your impending nuptials? Shame!

Then... nothing. He signed off. Of course he signed off. And then he probably ran right to his fiancée to do damage control, lest I open my big mouth about his (attempted?) indiscretion.

The thing is, I don't really know this girl. And, according to her soon-to-be creepball husband, she didn't even remember who I was. The last thing I would be doing is running to tell her about her man's lame attempts at an online pickup.

While I may not be a lot of other things, I am smart enough to know nothing I could say would convince her that she might be making a huge mistake if she assumes their marriage will be one of fidelity.

Hell, he can't even make it to the alter without trying to get someone he lusted after in college to show up for the big event. (In hopes of, what, exactly? A hand job in the rectory bathroom after he says I do?)

Their situation doesn't really freaking matter to me. Like I said, I don't even remember this dude, and the chick with whom he'll be exchanging vows was a passing acquaintance, at best. If it weren't for these damned social networking sites, I'd probably never even think of the two of them, much less be writing a blog about their impending divorce.

You know what really gets me, though? I have this seriously ominous feeling that he already ran to spin this to her in whatever way he could that made him look like an angel and me look like an evil man-stealing vixen, just in case I decided to rat him out.

His version, I imagine, would go something like this: You know that Belle chick? Today she started telling me how hot she always thought I was in college. Then she told me there are still feelings there and asked if she could see me before our wedding! I told her you're the only one for me, baby. Yeah, you should watch out for that Belle chick.

And, if he did that, guess what? It will make two soon-to-be-married chicks I went to college with who don't trust me around their menz. And you might as well just assume each and every one of their coupled female friends will adopt the same attitude once they hear how Belle was trying to steal these perfectly loyal menz right out from under their ladies' unsuspecting noses. I can just see it now.

They'll gaggle up with all their friends near smoking grills this summer, and the conversation will inevitably turn to my futile attempts to steal their honorable men. Their friends will add gory details from my somewhat promiscuous college behavior, conveniently forgetting they were right there beside me whoring it up on the dance floor.

I can only envision our future reunions now. I'll walk in the door and immediately notice a subtle but growing wave of people moving in any direction I'm not. Upon closer inspection, I'll see the women who used to be my friends and acquaintances dragging their menz out of my path.

Perhaps it's all just egomaniacal paranoia on my part. Seriously, though, I think not.



* "When are you coming this way again? ... Aw, damn. I though you could surprise [The Bride] for the wedding."
Riggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhht.