Drink Pepsi
Fuck you, MajorSodaCorporation "Rewards" Site.
And, for that matter, fuck you, MajorSodaCorporation.*
I wasn't even drinking your brand exclusively until I got sucked in and started entering your stupid codes on your stupid site. I lived in relative peace, blissfully ignorant of the heinous crimes perpetrated against your customers by your stupid fucking so-called "Rewards" program, thankyouverymuch.
But for weeks now, I've been dutifully saving bottle caps and laboriously adding ridiculously long alphanumeric codes into your super-flashy Flash site, hoping I might win some contest prize. I did this despite what I knew must be tough odds, what with the millions of other MajorSodaCorporation customers out there and my terrible luck when it comes to, um, winning things. And, of course, I never win, do I? Do I?
No. I never win.
So I decided that the huge buildup of caps on my desk from the last few weeks would be the start of my points collection. That maybe I'd be able to get something cool out of the deal if I bought into the whole delayed gratification bullshit.
And then I realized that each cap is only worth three measly points. That a fucking Mp3 download requires 45 fucking points. That most of your cool prizes require thousands of fucking points. Rewards my ass.
So I did a little math.** If I continue drinking your brand exclusively and stick to my usual consumption of one soda per day, I'll have 780 measly fucking points at the end of a full calendar year. 780 points? And with what treasures, pray tell, would you deign to reward me if I displayed that much commitment to your fucking products, MajorSodaCorporation? What?
Let's take a look, shall we?
- You offer a multitude of products emblazoned with your logo (or one of your affiliates' logos), all of which retail for <$30.
I'm so not doing free advertising for you, assholes.
- I could take a few people bowling or to the movies.
Because I'd totally save up for a fucking year before treating myself to a trip to the movie theater or the bowling alley.
- You're generous enough to offer ONE shitty video game for a PC.
What about the Mac users? Fuck them, you say?
- Or I could choose from a selection of low-denomination gift cards, all of which likely offer only products that cost significantly more than the gift card is worth.
Fan-fucking-tastic. Can't wait for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to spend money where you tell me I should.
But what rewards are touted highly on your site? Those worth 6,000? 12,000?? 18,000???
Let's see... if I play the devoted customer long enough to accumulate, say 6,000 points... Then what would you give me, MajorSodaCorporation?
- Luxury Resort Accommodations
- Designer Clothes
- Designer Accessories
- Top-of-the-Line Electronics
Now those are some things that might make this all worth my time. But how long would it take to get the points to satisfy your greedy ass? Eight years at my standard rate of consumption, you say? Eight. Fucking. Years.
Looking at all your damn rewards, I feel like I'm suddenly back in the second grade, drooling over the prize book for the annual school fundraiser. Thinking, I can do this! I can get that awesome bike, that Nintendo***! Everyone will be so jealous!
You know what I'm talking about... every year they'd get us all pumped up for the mandatory hawking of gift wrap and baskets o' cheese and chocolate-covered pretzels by passing out the book with the prizes in it first. By letting us ooh and ahh over the cool shit we could win, if we just worked hard enough. And every year, I'd think, This is my year! I'm going to do it! Top seller!
And then I worked my ass off, annoying every adult with whom I had even the remotest connection. Practically begging that they buy something, then feeling crushed when they turned me down or opted for the cheapest thing on the fucking order form.
And when all the orders were tallied, I knew I hadn't won, hadn't even come close. The Principal would come over the PA and announce the school-wide winners, commending them on their dedication and outstanding displays of school spirit, and I would keep my head down on my desk, pretending I didn't care that I hadn't won. Didn't care that other kids had better-connected parents, more generous acquaintances. Didn't care that those kids were going home with the pogo stick and the Sega Genesis****.
And then I take my stupid freakin' disappointing consolation prize and viciously break it before I made it off the bus, so it wouldn't be around to remind me of my dismal failure.
Fuck it. I'm switching to Pepsi.
* See how pissed off I am at you? I'm not even using your fucking ingeniously marketed, drummed-into-young-American
** And now you're making me do math?! You really don't know when to stop, do you?
*** Yes, it was just Nintendo. And, yes, you can shut it. Duck Hunt was cool, man.
**** Shut the hell up, I say!
8 comments:
The key to scamming this scam is to get all of your megacorp-cola drinking friends and coworkers to save their bottle caps for you. I know someone who has built up more than 700 points in just a few months.
My dad used to save Kool-Aid points throughout my childhood. I didn't really enjoy Kool-Aid much, but he did. I think he collected them for about 10 years straight. One day I made him count out how many points he had accumulated, he had over 35,000.
I'm pretty sure he could have bought a majority share of the company at that point, but to my knowledge he never redeemed them...
think of everything you could buy with the money you save by drinking water instead of soda! (subtract the cost of a brita pitcher because you don't want to be drinking the dc tap water, but still you'll save enough for a playstation 3 and some games, easy!)
i remember those damn things we had in school...... they make you bust your ass to fucking get NOTHING!!!! way to treat a kid..... break our hearts before we even know what love is, FUCKERS.
and the worst part is you are limited to 10 code entries a day on that particular site. Even if you were getting 12 pack codes thats a 100 points a day. Realistically the max is 30 points a day (if you, like I did, can scam your coworkers to leave their caps on your desk).
vvk: I'd actually have to talk to people and ask favors of them for that to work. :-)
prslavedc: Wow! That's some serious commitment with no follow-through. Your dad is to be commended.
jen: Does Brita sell a filter that infuses water with caffeine? 'Cause I need my afternoon pickup. (Besides, at 50 cents a day, it'd only be like $150 in a year, and I want a Wii, so that'd... wait! You tricked me into doing math again! Dammit...)
pissed: I know, right?
Daniel: Oh, don't even get me started on the rest of the site. 10 code/day limits can bite my ass. Besides which they ask what product the code came from. Um, they freakin' put the codes where they were to begin with. Can't they track that shit themselves? Ugh...
[Oh, and thanks for stopping by! :)]
I loved Duck Hunt! I also liked the school gift wrap sales...of course I was always top seller in my class. Yeah, I'm cool like that.
That reward program is the worst! I don't think I'll drink enough soda in my lifetime to qualify for one of the good rewards. I don't think anyone can do it!
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