Poppin’ the CL Cherry: Abstinence Boy may never be the same

The first time I chatted with Abstinence Boy, he displayed enough humor to keep me interested for a couple of hours. A cursory glance at his Myspace page revealed he was a Fox News fan, which obviously put him right on over in the Conservative camp. Since I’d really just wanted someone to chat with, I didn’t mention it to him or think much of it for the moment. Before I signed off, he asked if I wanted to meet him for happy hour later in the week. Even though he’d chatted with a few people from CL, he confessed, he was scared and had never met anyone in person that he’d found online. He was asking me to pop his CL dating cherry, and I was flattered. How could I refuse?

Before we made any actual plans, I informed him of my tendency to lean Left, and we discussed very briefly, among other things, his stance on abortion (No. Never, never, never!), his religion (Catholic and “trying to be better”), and his vice (“just drinking,” which, in my experience, isn’t so much a vice as it is a Catholic way of life). I didn’t comment on abortion, but I told him I’m not into religion, divulged some of my vices, and gave him ample opportunity to back out. I even told him I was doing as much. He still wanted to meet me, despite all my warnings, and the date was set.

I arrived a few minutes before Abstinence Boy and took a seat at the bar. The most appealing thing on the drink menu was a Bloody Mary. I hadn’t had one in a good while, and I supposed I’d need some kind of liquor in me for whatever might come. I ordered, and he arrived. After our initial greetings, his first comment was, “Look at that T.V. in the middle (It was tuned to Fox, of course; he’d picked the place.), that’s Fair and Balanced.” He laughed, and I stopped sipping my Bloody Mary occasionally and started inhaling it like my life depended on it.

An hour later I realized we’d been talking mainly about work. (Abstinence Boy works for a government department that is so painfully Bush it hurts me to leave it out here.) I can bitch about my boss with the best of them, but I hate that kind of conversation on dates. I’d had enough of it, and I banned all work talk from that point on. I suppose that’s when things got a bit more interesting.

We started talking about abstinence education, sex education, and contraceptives, and I asked his stance on the subjects. “My religion comes first,” Abstinence Boy told me. So, what, I’m to assume this guy has never had sex? No, he’d told me that much wasn’t true. My second Bloody Mary long gone, I signaled for another, and turned to call Abstinence Boy on his utter bullshit.

Belle: So you’ve never used a condom? Never slept with a girl on birth control? How many kids do you have running around out there?
AB: Oh, well, um, no. I mean, yeah, you’ve got to protect yourself.
Belle: So what did you mean when you said your religion comes first? You’re Catholic, right? Premarital sex and contraceptives aren’t supported by your religion.
AB: Yeah, but, um… you have to protect yourself. I don’t have any kids.
Belle: Mmmhmmm. So what about when you’re married? Do you believe in birth control then?
AB: What do you mean?
Belle: From what I understand, the Catholic Church doesn’t support the use of any contraceptives, right? So when you’re married and you no longer have to worry about protecting yourself, will you just stop using any contraceptives and let God give you as many children as he sees fit?
AB: Well, no. I mean, you have to be able to support yourself and your family financially.
Belle: Interesting. Where’s that in the Bible? I don’t recall hearing about that exception.
AB: I guess I’m a liberal Catholic.
Belle: So you just choose the parts that are convenient for you to believe in?
AB: (laughs)

A bit later, I said something to this effect: If I ever lose my mind and decide I want children, I’ll adopt. At least that way you’re giving a kid who’s already here a chance. Abstinence Boy’s very excited response? “Exactly! So you’re pro-life?”

Belle: Why would you think that?
AB: Because of what you said about adoption.
Belle: (Long, hard laugh)
AB: (Quizzical look)
Belle: Look, I’m not going to get into the discussion of whether life begins at conception because I’m sure we’d be sitting her all night. I’m very much pro-choice. It’s not my place to decide what’s best for someone else.
AB: Hmmm…. I know this is bad, but when I vote, I vote down the line based on candidates’ stances on abortion.
Belle: (Finishes drink, orders another) So, what’s your stance on homosexuality and gay marriage?
AB: Ah, um, well, I… uh…. Are you really going to make me go there?
Belle: Yes. I am.
AB: Well, um, uh… This is important to you?
Belle: Yes. Have you ever voted for a constitutional ban on gay marriage or civil unions? Or would you?
AB: No. No, I haven’t.
Belle: Good.
AB: I know a guy who is gay, but, um, you know, I don’t believe it’s right. The Bible says homosexuality is a sin.
Belle: Doesn’t the Bible also say that all sins carry the same weight in God’s eyes?
AB: Yeah… yeah, it does.
Belle: So, really, according to your religion, that friend of yours who is going to become a priest? You told me he stole cable. He broke one of the 10 Commandments right there. I mean, sin can’t get much more obvious than that. That sin is the same to God as having gay sex, right?
AB: Well, um, yeah…
Belle: So your friend, who will one day have his own congregation, he’s just as much a sinner as any homosexual. Right?
AB: Well, um… I guess.
Belle: Right. Aside from the religious aspect of it though, banning gay marriage is a really obvious violation of civil rights. Basically these amendments are writing discrimination right into state constitutions. And if Bush and his cronies have their way, we’ll be writing it into the U.S. Constitution. I just can’t believe this is even an issue in 2006.
AB: Yeah, well, um…

Okay, I’ll stop with the recitation of dialogue now. Yes, the conversation was that transition-less. And, yes, I attacked this poor boy about all these things. He barely got to put a word in. Nearly as soon as I finished my little tirade, I apologized for going off, and we finished our drinks while making semi-awkward conversation.

He IMed me the next day and told me the night was “interesting.” I agreed. If you want to call my practically yelling at this guy about a number of taboo topics, then it was interesting. I asked if he would ever go out with someone he’d met online after our encounter. He said yes, which surprised me. As did his asking if I’d go out with him again. Perhaps Abstinence Boy gets off on a girl who isn’t afraid to call him on his ill-conceived religious fallback reasoning and tell him she disagrees with pretty much everything he claims to believe in.