Should I Be This Scared?

I've found myself flying pretty much solo at several social events in the past two weeks. Well, three, to be exact.

At the first*, a happy hour, I met a few people (4). I talked easily to the first soon after entering the bar. The others I met a little later. Two of them said they would offer their expertise in the apartment hunt (so far, one has). The last vowed to join me and a new associate in an upcoming social endeavor. I've yet to call. (But I will! I will!)

I was invited to the second event by one of the hosts**. I knew no one save this host, and, being that he was a host, I didn't expect constant entertainment. My feelings on the event are mixed. I met a (small) handful of pretty cool people (again, 4), but the majority of the guests did not seem to be people I'd ever get along with. After a few good hours with the few cool people, I found myself pretty much alone with the not-so-cool people while waiting for a ride. The night actually ended with me feeling very much like a junior high reject with acne, bad breath, and head gear. Perhaps I digress...

The third event was completely random.

Opposed to spending yet another Friday night entertaining Roommate's parents while she was off on date*** and semi****-stood-up by my partner in crime for the evening, I headed to the bar solo.

I've been to this bar a few times before with Quicksylver. The first night we went was our waitress's first night as well. We'll call her Saronno. Despite Quicksylver's initial insistence that she was just being nice to get tips, we hit it off really well and have since talked about hanging out together.

Anyhow, Saronno was at the bar when I showed up Friday, but she wasn't working. She invited me to a small get-together she was planning to hit up before heading to a bigger, swankier party later on. I accepted her invitation.

She and I were the first to arrive. I kicked a little ass on the Wii***** then we moved on to the beer pong. (At which I also kicked more than my fair share of ass, if I do say so myself.) Saronno left, and I was totally fine. Got along with everyone there. Had a fantastic time. Hope to see all the players of the night again in a similar setting.

Before I accepted Saronno's invitation, though, I was prepared to call myself socially awkward. I'd even begun a post describing myself as such and outlining all the ways in which I'd changed that made me feel like I was the social reject.

But, now? I'm not thinking so much in terms of my morphing into a socially awkward woman in her mid twenties as I am thinking of me fucking putting myself out there. Trying to meet new people. Failing at times, perhaps. Succeeding at others, perhaps.

Attending social events and trying to meet people on your own is a scary proposition.

I really have nothing more profound to say on the subject.


* I have to admit, I primarily went to see a boy. The boy was not there. The boy does not yet get a name.
** The host is the aforementioned boy. He still doesn't get a name.
*** Both completely okay by me, by the way.
**** "Semi" because I don't really blame him.
***** I'm saying right now I'd be totally addicted if given the opportunity. That shit rocks. And, no, spending $400-500 on that shit is not an option for opportunity for this chica.

Hey, DoD: What's the point?

This pisses me off.

The thing is, these sites are probably the best way for these troops to maintain contact with their families and friends back home. This is the first time in history they've had the opportunity to maintain such contact with their home base while away at combat. And now much of that is being taken away.

The DoD pulling access this late in the game seems fishy (to put it nicely). FOUR years into this thing, and they're suddenly concerned about a drain on resources... right.

Right, okay, so they admit they're also "protecting information." Again, FOUR years into it? Isn't that a little late, sirs? And if information needs protecting from Myspace and YouTube and the like, why the hell not from the rest of the Internets?

Certainly troops can (and will, I'm sure) find other sites that will serve their purpose of keeping in touch with loved ones and being entertained. Those sites will also be a drain of resources and facilitate the possibility of information being disseminated rather than protected.

So, really, what's the point? If the powers that be are really concerned with protecting information and cutting down the "drag" on resources, doesn't it seem like an exercise in futility to ban these sites when similar sites exist and will likely become popular among troops as a result? Sites that serve the same functions? Sites that will cause similar "drag" on resources?

The only difference I see is that the banned sites are already incredibly popular with so many civilians. Is this yet another way to keep the general populace out of the loop when it comes to what's going on over there?

But, I digress. Really, the policy pisses me off because it hurts the troops and their families and friends.

Although I fear and dread the day when my company blocks me from the sites* DoD has deemed unacceptable for troops, it's not at all the same. When I put in my eight hours, I can take my happy ass to my house and get online there. I can check up on friends and listen to music and upload pictures and, you know, do all that personal, non-work stuff at home. I may not want to waste precious non-working hours in front of the computer, but I have the option. The luxury, even.

The troops stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan do not. I don't have stats, but I'm making an educated guess that the number of soldiers who hauled their personal computers across the world to the combat zone (for the second, third, fourth? time...) is significantly less than those who use computers regularly to communicate with their loved ones.

To be honest, this new rule won't affect me one bit. The people I know who are serving right now are definitely in my thoughts, but they aren't people with whom I'm in regular contact. But it will affect many people both here and serving abroad.



* I'm listening to Pandora right now. And YouTube... well, You know.

Anger and Insecurity: Time to let him go?

After a couple of months of dating, Roommate wasn’t having fun with her Boy Toy anymore, so she decided last weekend would be a perfect time to let him go. Being that she’s a really nice person and such conversations aren’t really pleasant or fun, she broached the subject in a roundabout way, asking what he thought of “them.” He, being apparently insane, said that, due to his upcoming move, he saw two options for the pair: either Roommate could move with him, or they could break up.* Roommate happily agreed to the latter.

“How does this relate to you, Belle?” you might ask. Initially, I was going to say this relates to me because I don’t want to be the psycho person who assumes too much too soon in a relationship. But, now, I can’t even justify that concern.

I think I’ve mentioned that NRA has, on a few occasions, waited until practically the last possible moment to tell me he’s going out of town or has plans that don’t include me. Although I think it somewhat annoying that he not just clue me in when he knows he’ll be gone, I haven’t said as much because he isn’t technically my boyfriend or anything. Still though, we’re at the point now where we usually talk to each other several times a day and see each other several times a week.

Even though it is pretty much assumed that we will spend a few nights of the week together, he still resists making plans with me in advance. I think I’ve whined here about that before, and I know I talked to him about the thoughtless habit. Since we talked, he’s been a little better at (grudgingly) making plans… although mostly at Roommate’s behest and for weeknights. Weekends seem to be, for the most part, monopolized by outings with the boys and road trips to visit friends.

NRA waited until Friday to mention that he was going up to Baltimore Saturday evening. I casually asked what he was doing, and he said visiting a buddy then launched into a lame diversionary tale. When Roommate asked the same question a little while later, he gave her the same response he’d given me. Verbatim. She, not being in a pseudo-relationship with this guy, was free to call him out on his avoidance of any real answer. Even still, all we got out of it was another lame diversionary tale, this one of much greater length, still with no real details about plans for the evening.

I suppose it was my own naivety that allowed me to assume the Baltimore outing was another guys’ trip. It wasn’t. It involved at least as many girls as guys, from what I gathered when I saw him next. After I found out that fiancées and girlfriends and even just regular old girls who are friends went on this trip, I found myself feeling troubled and insecure. Why didn’t he invite me to go with him? What’s he hiding? Why is he still not letting me meet the friends? Is he hiding me from them? What has he told them about me?

I spent the night tossing and turning in NRA’s bed, waking myself and him on several occasions with loud whimpering noises that signaled I was about to cry in my sleep. I don’t remember my dreams, but I know I woke up feeling just as miserable as I did when we went to bed. The day didn’t make the feelings disappear. In fact, they only intensified.

A huge wave of resentment surfaced when I realized it isn’t just that NRA isn’t including me on all these great, fun times with friends.** It’s hardly just that. When he goes out with his friends, I suffer for it for the next few days at least. He gets obliterated and goes to sleep well after the sun is up when he’s with his friends. And what do I get? I get the shitty hangover days when he’s too tired and sick to get off the couch. I get to listen to him whine about nearly everything. I get to hear he’d rather stay in than go out with me because he dropped $500 last weekend with the boys. I get to hear him tell me he’s too tired for sex. Again.*** Sprinkle all this troubling insecurity and resentment with the bitterness that springs from recalling how NRA pretty much just stopped trying when he found out I wasn’t seeing anyone else and you've got a pretty unhappy Belle here.

When I got home and laid the worries of the day on Roommate’s cutting board, she asked what was making me stick around. I didn’t have an answer for her. And I don’t have an answer for myself.


* In case you didn’t catch that, Boy Toy proposed that Roommate move to some unspecified location with him after two months of unremarkable, un-exclusive dating. Two months. That’s just crazy.
** Great, fun times that he insists on sharing photos and stories from after the fact, mind you, as if he just wants to rub it all in my face.
*** I think I’ve avoided mentioning this little problem in this forum up to this point, but it wasn’t long after we first started having sex that he told me he was too tired one night. This has been repeated on several occasions, despite me being extremely vocal about how I find this behavior inappropriate at this juncture of the relationship. We’re not talking about days when he’s run a marathon, or even gone to the gym, for that matter. Besides, it’s not like the few minutes of mild-to-moderate physical exertion would kill him. I’m not even going to get into the ego-bust it is to hear a member of the horniest demographic on earth repeatedly turn down sex.